Those of us who have worked with women and children in domestic violence have seen some of the worst and the best aspects of human beings. Of course, the deliberate harming of members of one’s household makes up some of the horrors of domestic violence, but the resourcefulness and courage of women and children in the face of this, and their capacity to create better futures for themselves when given appropriate support, are some of the highlights of this work.

 

Many people think that domestic violence is physical violence, but it can be severe and dangerous and never include physical violence. Whatever its form, it always involves emotional violence, which women report is more devastating than the physical violence. It may include sexual assault, financial control and abuse, undermining mother-child relationships, isolating women from friends, family and any form of external support.

 

While details may differ between cases, all domestic violence involves a regime of coercive control, of a perpetrator exercising his tyrannical power over his family, within a web of threats and intimidation. Indeed, this is a domestic form of terrorism. Where men are jealous and make threats against their partners or children, situations can become life-threatening. Domestic violence occurs within all cultures and classes, yet is gendered in that 90-95 percent of domestic violence is perpetrated by men. It is more prevalent where traditional gender roles and authoritarian male roles are accepted.

 

It is often difficult for women to see the patterns of abuse in which they live, just as it is difficult for any of us to look objectively at the social patterning within which we live. It is made harder for women in domestic violence, as women’s sense of reality is continually being manipulated and distorted by perpetrators, who usually portray their own actions as positive and their partners’ as blameworthy. Domestic violence perpetrators minimize and deny their abusive and violent actions and cast responsibility for them onto others, usually their victims. Women internalize these distortions and blame, and their own perspectives are undermined, as they and their children see their lives through the eyes of the perpetrator.

 

Unfortunately, dominant societal attitudes also tend to blame women for the violence they have endured and regard them as responsible for everything within their families. Thus, women may be unwilling to leave their partner, because they believe that the violence is due to their inadequacies. Their low sense of moral worth (as they are insulted, debased, and blamed) can be counteracted when women learn to identify the ways in which they have been undermined.

 

Effective interventions with domestic violence need to address these distortions and help women re-frame their understanding in ways that more accurately fit their situations. For example, service-providers need to understand how perpetrators constantly minimize their violence and the injuries they cause, that they refuse responsibility, and have an overblown sense of entitlement. They should know (as evidence overwhelmingly shows) that abusive men see their families as their property, as objects whose purpose is to gratify their needs. They should help women and children understand the effects of the violent regime in which they live on themselves and on the quality of their lives.

 

 
The following are examples of some of the grassroots Domestic Violence Programs run by ICJW affiliates and which might be replicated in other communities around the world.

 

Silent Witness
A “Silent Witness” exhibit was created using cardboard silhouettes with anonymous biographical information from local women who had been beaten, and, in some cases, murdered by abusive spouses. This was displayed at a special dinner for women in order to raise awareness of the issue.

 

What Violence Means to Me
An annual contest for sixth-grade students entitled “What Violence Means to Me” encourages children to express their feelings about violence through writing and visual arts. All the competition entries were displayed over the summer in public libraries.
 
Women’s Survival Space  
The Women's Survival Space is a program that is held at a women’s shelter. Each month there is a birthday party for the children and their mothers, and gifts are given to the children to choose and present to their mothers at holiday times and on Mother’s Day.

 

HUG Project    
Help, Understanding, and Giving is a similar project in another women’s shelter. Baskets full of grooming essentials, teddy bears, coloring books and crayons, contributed by members and local businesses, are made up for the residents of the shelter and distributed to them.
 
Women Helping Women
A fashion event was organized, including a display called “Clothesline,” in which t-shirts designed by battered women depicted their stories of survival. They invited a Jewish woman executive to tell her story of surviving domestic abuse and collected pieces of luggage to donate to women's shelters.

 

Teen Dating Abuse Video
An award-winning video has been produced entitled Dealing with Teen Dating Abuse: Matters of Choice. It tells the story of an abusive dating relationship between a high school freshman and her junior boyfriend, depicting the emotional, verbal, sexual, and physical aspects of abuse, as well as the romance and good times in their relationship. It won an international award and has been highly endorsed by experts in the field. (The video is available to order from cgeller @ ncjwessex.org)

 

Luggage for Freedom
This program helps women and children who are ready to leave domestic violence shelters and start their lives anew. During Domestic Violence Month, the group collected linens, toiletries, and children’s books and toys, which they packed into 130 suitcases and gave to local domestic violence shelters.

 

Shalom Bayit: Furnishing Peaceful Homes
A project to address the needs of survivors of domestic violence. The group has collected furniture and household goods, which are stored in a warehouse “furniture bank.”  Abused women who are setting up new homes can come and choose the essentials they need to help them move from temporary shelters or violent homes to permanent housing.